We need to talk. It’s true.

I have been…avoiding you.

But it’s not you: it’s me.

Summer in the Emerald City always tends to be a little bit more demanding on the time, mostly because when the weather turns golden, its practically a city wide imperative to get outside and enjoy EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of sunshine. After all… “Winter is Coming” doesn’t just apply in Game of Thrones.

The other, truer, reason is that I’ve been undergoing some major personal transformation and the summer for me has, ironically, been somewhat about going within to focus on some of the larger issues of my life.

There has always been a fine line for me about how much of the personal “stuff” makes it onto the blog (work, life purpose and goals, dilemas) and I tend to err on the side of less is more. I blog about activities I am passonate about: writing and cello and all the periphery topics associated with. But since I am not divisible from my interests and activities, all the other stuff often creeps in. I’ve found it’s less helpful for me to blog about personal flotsam and dilemas. I don’t even journal all that “should I, or should I not” stuff.

As someone much older and considerably more green once said, “DO or DO Not. There is no try.”

So after a bit of going around and around (and around) mentally, I’ve decided not to share dilemas, only decisions. After all those decisions impact all the aspects of my life. And the decision part is way more fun to share, anyway.

***

I quit my job, and on Monday I leave for Paris to walk the Camino De Santiago I will be walking the Camino Frances, starting the base of the Pyrenees Mountains to the western coast of Spain. I will be blogging my adventures, but not intensely. After all, the whole purpose of a pilgrimage is a turning inward and a settling of one’s mental and spiritual dilemas. While walking though Spain. At least, it will be for me.

***

I have not been playing the cello.

(Strangely enough, this has been the single sentence of this entire blog post that has stressed me out more than anything other…including the “I quit a perfectly good job to walk around Europe with a backpack” part)

I am ashamed to admit that my cello has been collecting dust. I quit the orchestra this spring to work on my novel and the progress has been amazing: I finished a first draft for my writers group critique. The critique knocked me back on my ass, revealed some things about the story I was telling that I wasn’t facing, and set me back in my chair to work.

Somehow, I thought I’d find time for practice or lessons again, but it just hasn’t happened yet. And now here I go to Europe for two months.

I haven’t given up on it. It’s just taking me a bit longer to get around to than I thought it would.

Evidence: I still keep my fingernails cut to the quick.

****

Truth: I was planning this trip a year ago, when I took a job that I was pretty sure was destined to disappear once the company was acquired by a rival. When the acquisition went up in smoke I was left with the first REAL JOB I’ve had in years of contracting and freelancing. And an imminent sense of panic.

The good part was that it forced me to make a decision. Instead of just going with the flow in some sort of if/then scenario (if I lose my job, then I’ll take the trip of my dreams) I had to DECIDE to take the trip of my dreams, even if it meant walking away from the hand that fed me.

I don’t intend to justify my decision here. And I don’t intend to judge anyone who would make a different decision when faced with this situation.

We’re all doing the best we can with what we have.

I’m choosing to walk. TO THE COAST OF SPAIN. WITH A BACKPACK. AND TBF.

You make your own decisions.

***

I’m writing this from a sunny table in Portland. Later today I head back to Seattle, finish up the last bit of pre-trip preparation and try to enjoy my last 48 hours in the Pacific Northwest before I cross and ocean.

I am terribly excited (and a little terrified). I am going to go anyway.